Five years ago I was living in a hellish nightmare. Any sane person would have run away screaming
long before now, and maybe, partially, it was insanity keeping me there, but
unless you have experienced this situation yourself, you can never truly understand
the range of emotion, the fear, the hope, and the rage of personal conflict
boiling underneath the surface. To the
outside world, perhaps, I appeared normal, but underneath the façade, was a
festering, gangrenous sore eating away at my soul.
I was 19 years old, young, stupid, and naïve. My self-esteem, which had never been optimal,
had hit rock bottom. I had just come out
of the second of two “serious” relationships, dumped again by a man I thought I
was in love with, a man I thought I would possibly marry, but instead I was
brushed away like an unwanted piece of trash, left to be trodden on and blown
away aimlessly in the wind. I began to
question my self-worth. What was so
wrong with me that no one wanted me? I
was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. Why didn’t anyone desire me? What was I doing wrong? I spiraled into an endless black pit of
depression and self-loathing, reaching and grasping at anyone, anything that
would show me some sort of love and affection.
Then like a shining beacon out of the dust, a knight in
shining armor arose to rescue me. He not
only sympathized with my broken, damaged heart, but he empathized with me, he
had been in my shoes, he had been hurt, and trampled, and thrown away too. He knew the words that I so desperately
wanted to hear, had the comforting warm shoulder to cry on, the arms to embrace
my empty shell of a body with. Here he
was, the man who would truly love me! Here was the answer to all my problems,
my other half! We spent hours talking
about those who had hurt us, our hopes and dreams, what we wanted and didn’t
want out of life. It seemed we were
perfect for each other, we had both been through so much hurt, and together we
could rise above it all.
As if on a dare, we decided to prove our love to each other
by running off and getting married. We
wouldn’t tell anyone, they would just try to tear us apart; we kept it a
secret, only allowing one little witness to our vows to each other, his 3 year
old daughter.
I was so excited at first, my whole life I had wanted to be
a mother and a wife, I was thrilled to find someone I had so much in common
with, and the best part was, (I thought) he had two beautiful children and was
a wonderful father! Little did I know
that his whole attitude, every horrendous story he told me about his son’s and
daughter’s mothers, the little show he put on for me, was just that, a show…and
I was about to find out the truth. Find
out about the wolf that was hiding so expertly in sheep’s clothing.
It was if a switch had been pulled somewhere. We went home, told his family the “good news”,
had cake and celebrated, we couldn’t be happier, but that night everything
changed.
I am publishing these blog posts in sections when I have time to write more of my story down, there is more to come....stay tuned....
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